Reclaiming Your Voice. A Guide to Assertiveness
You were born with a voice. Not just vocal cords that produce sound, but an inner voice that knows your needs, recognises your worth, and deserves to be heard. Yet somewhere along the way, many of us learnt to quiet that voice, to shrink ourselves, to prioritise everyone else's comfort over our own truth.
If you find yourself saying "yes" when you mean "no," avoiding difficult conversations, or feeling invisible in your relationships, you're not alone. The good news is that assertiveness isn't a fixed trait you either have or don't have—it's a skill you can learn and strengthen at any stage of life.
Understanding the Roots of Our Silence
Our early experiences shape how we communicate. Perhaps you grew up hearing "children should be seen and not heard," or were told you were "too much" when you expressed excitement. Maybe you learned that keeping the peace was more important than speaking up, or that your opinions didn't matter as much as others'.
These messages, often well-intentioned, can create patterns that follow us into adulthood. We might find ourselves:
Apologising excessively, even for things that aren't our fault
Saying "yes" to requests we want to decline
Avoiding conflict at the expense of our own needs
Feeling guilty when we set boundaries
Believing our thoughts and feelings are less important than others'
The child who was repeatedly told to "be quiet" may grow into an adult who struggles to speak up in meetings. The teenager who was criticized for being "selfish" when expressing needs might become someone who gives endlessly to others while neglecting themselves.
But here's the truth: those early messages weren't about your inherent worth or the validity of your voice. They were often about other people's discomfort, limitations, or their own learnt patterns of communication.
What Assertiveness Really Means
Assertiveness is often misunderstood as being aggressive or demanding. In reality, it's about honest, respectful communication that honors both your needs and others'. It's the middle ground between passive communication (suppressing your needs) and aggressive communication (dismissing others' needs).
When you're assertive, you:
Express your thoughts and feelings clearly and respectfully
Stand up for your rights without violating others' rights
Set healthy boundaries
Say "no" without excessive guilt or elaborate justifications
Ask for what you need
Address problems directly rather than avoiding them
Assertiveness isn't about getting your way all the time—it's about ensuring your voice is part of the conversation.
The Cost of Staying Silent
When we consistently suppress our voice, the consequences extend far beyond missed opportunities or unmet needs. Chronic people-pleasing and conflict avoidance can lead to:
Physical symptoms: Tension headaches, digestive issues, fatigue, and other stress-related ailments often arise when we're constantly suppressing our authentic responses.
Emotional toll: Resentment builds when we repeatedly say yes to things we don't want to do. We might feel invisible, undervalued, or frustrated that others don't seem to consider our needs.
Relationship damage: Ironically, avoiding difficult conversations to "keep the peace" often creates more problems. Others can't meet needs they don't know about, and unaddressed issues tend to fester and grow.
Lost opportunities: When we don't advocate for ourselves at work, in relationships, or in other areas of life, we miss chances for growth, recognition, and fulfilment.
Identity confusion: Constantly adapting to what others want can leave us disconnected from our own preferences, values, and desires.
Simple Techniques to Rebuild Your Voice
The journey back to assertiveness begins with small, manageable steps. Here are practical techniques you can start using today:
Start With Self-Awareness
Before you can communicate your needs to others, you need to recognize them yourself. Practice asking:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I need in this situation?
What would I say if I weren't worried about the other person's reaction?
Keep a brief journal of moments when you wanted to speak up but didn't. Notice the patterns without judgement—awareness is the first step towards change.
Use "I" Statements
Instead of "You always interrupt me" (which sounds accusatory), try "I feel unheard when I'm interrupted, and I'd appreciate the chance to finish my thoughts." This approach expresses your experience without putting the other person on the defensive.
Practice the Broken Record Technique
When someone pushes back against your boundary, calmly repeat your position without getting drawn into lengthy explanations or justifications.
"I won't be able to take on that extra project." "But we really need your help!" "I understand, and I won't be able to take it on." "It's just this once..." "I hear you, and my answer is still no."
Master the Art of the Pause
You don't have to respond immediately to requests or demands. "Let me think about that and get back to you" is a complete sentence. This pause gives you time to consider your authentic response rather than reflexively saying yes.
Start Small and Build
Begin practicing assertiveness in low-stakes situations. Maybe it's telling the barista that your coffee order is wrong, or expressing a preference about which movie to watch. These small victories build confidence for more significant conversations.
Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries aren't walls—they're guidelines that help others understand how to treat you respectfully. Practice phrases like:
"That doesn't work for me."
"I'm not comfortable with that."
"I need some time to think about it."
"That's not something I can commit to right now."
Use the DESC Method
For more complex situations, try this structured approach:
Describe the situation objectively Express how you feel about it Specify what you'd like to change Consequences - explain the positive outcome of the change
For example: "When meetings run over the scheduled time (Describe), I feel stressed because I have other commitments (Express). Could we please stick to the agenda and end on time? (Specify) This would help me be more present and engaged during our discussions (Consequences)."
Overcoming Internal Obstacles
As you practice assertiveness, you'll likely encounter internal resistance. Common thoughts include:
"I'm being selfish" - Taking care of your needs isn't selfish; it's necessary. You can't pour from an empty cup.
"They'll think I'm mean" - Kind people can disagree with you and still respect you. Those who react poorly to reasonable boundaries may not be as respectful as you thought.
"I'll hurt their feelings" - You're not responsible for managing other adults' emotions. Honest, respectful communication is actually kinder than pretending to agree when you don't.
"What if they get angry?" - Others' anger is about them, not you. You can acknowledge their feelings without taking responsibility for them or changing your position.
The Ripple Effects of Finding Your Voice
As you become more assertive, you'll likely notice positive changes beyond getting your immediate needs met:
Increased self-respect: Standing up for yourself reinforces your sense of worth and dignity.
Improved relationships: People know where they stand with you, leading to more authentic connections.
Reduced stress: You're no longer carrying the burden of unspoken resentments or overcommitment.
Professional growth: Colleagues and supervisors respect people who can communicate clearly and stand behind their work.
Modelling for others: Your assertiveness can inspire others to find their own voice, particularly children who watch how you navigate relationships.
Remember: Your Voice Matters
Your thoughts, feelings, needs, and perspectives are valid. You don't need to earn the right to be heard through perfect behavior or by never inconveniencing anyone. Your voice has value simply because you exist.
The little voice inside you that whispers "this isn't right" or "I need something different"—that's not selfishness or weakness speaking. That's your inner wisdom, trying to guide you toward authenticity and fulfillment.
Learning assertiveness is like physical rehabilitation after an injury. It takes time, practice, and patience with yourself as you strengthen muscles that may have atrophied from disuse. Some days will feel easier than others, and that's completely normal.
Taking the First Step
Start where you are, with what feels manageable. Maybe it's speaking up about a restaurant order, expressing a preference about weekend plans, or finally having that overdue conversation with a colleague. The specific situation matters less than the practice of honouring your voice.
Remember, every person who seems naturally assertive had to learn these skills at some point. They weren't born knowing how to set boundaries or communicate needs—they developed these abilities through experience, often after realizing the cost of staying silent.
Your voice has been waiting for you to reclaim it. It's still there, perhaps a little rusty from lack of use, but ready to serve you again. The world needs what you have to offer, but first, you need to offer it to yourself.
Start small, be patient with the process, and remember: you were born with a voice for a reason. It's time to use it.